I get so sad at the airport. Even when I am close to home. Sometimes, just seeing people say goodbye or a welcome home hug between strangers puts a lump in my throat. I don’t even know how many times I have cried in an airport; tears streaming down my face as I lug my suitcase through the concourse. I think people are afraid of crying flight attendants, and its not because of their dripping mascara. Flight attendants have a reputation of being a bit unstable, overworked and underpaid. Constantly being yelled at and talked down to, I feel like I hide my emotions and words back so often while on the job that I can never predict when I will become emotional.
As I reread that paragraph, it sounds so awful.
I honestly feel like my emotional nerve endings were placed on the outside of my body and I am overly conscious of other peoples feelings and maybe too much of my own. Then I have a side that is completely numb to other people’s feelings. Playing flight attendant is really quite confusing. This probably makes me better at what I do. But sometimes goes against what I naturally feel. Right now, I am sitting and writing at gate D6 in Bangkok’s airport. I do not feel like I am anywhere but somewhere new. I do not feel uncomfortable because I am not talking to anyone. I do not feel like I am far from home because this airport is very modern and the people are from all over the world. I just feel alone.
An hour ago I was with Natalie and we were trying to check into our flights. I tend to forget that I am somewhere foreign when I travel with a friend. The whole world somehow exists but disappears from around you when you can have a common conversation in a completely foreign land. As soon as we had to say our goodbyes I knew I just wanted to run up the escalator and melt into the sea of people in passport control. I could cry there without looking crazy. I hate goodbyes.
I know that I can remember all of the major goodbyes in my life dating back to being a child and the last time my Grandmother ever visited Ohio. It was back when you could still say your goodbyes at the gate. She pulled me into her big fur coat that reeked of Chanel No. 5.